Bloodlet In Vain (deadsoulborn) wrote in writer_feedback,
Bloodlet In Vain

First post...

Hey. My name is Steven. I've been thinking about attempting to get published for a little while now and just wanted to get some feedback on some of my short stories. I'll gladly recieve any feedback, good or bad, because any would be constructive for me to know what to work on or keep. I'm rather anxious for it also, as I've posted on my own journal and no one wants to respond. Sorry for the rant... I'm looking forward to reading everyone elses contributions to this community also. Thank you.

The hall is set up in hues of blue and white. Every step brings me closer to a room that is filled with chairs. The chairs blend perfectly into the surroundings, only noticable by the way the distances between them and the wall shift as I take my steps. There doesn't seem to be a temperature inside this place, but I can see my breath escape from my mouth in clouds of smoke. The floorspace is filled with entrails and tattered flesh. The ground is damp and soft and gives way a half inch under my shoes. There's a slight rustling noise up the distance. When the hall opens up, I can see an offset area.

There are two children playing with eachother on the floor. The little girl's face has no features. Her skin was stretched over it in an attempt to suffocate her. She looks up at me holding two orbs. I can't make out what they are until her infant brother turns around with his eye sockets empty. His skin seems almost transparent and I can see the network of veins and his organs function under it. His eyeholes blink at me and the little girls skin shifts as she lets out a muffled giggle. I look at them until they turn back to eachother and continue on with what they were doing. My legs carry me away from them and I walk into the main room to seat myself.

There's a young woman sitting a few seats down from me. Her hair is fixed perfectly and she is applying her make-up as careful as she can with her quivering hands. I look down at her body and her chest is exhumed. She sets her lipgloss down and flashes me a look with her yellow eyes. She uncrosses and crosses her legs slowly and rolls her tounge in her mouth. I can hear it scrape against her teeth. I can hear her nerves snap as she pushes her teeth forward. The children start to pay attention at the snap of her gums and start to watch her moves. They sidle up against the wall, the little girl stretching her legs out as far as she can, making sure not to step on the discarded bone fragments and unrecognizable remains that litter the floor. The infant drags himself, plowing a way to get himself through the decay. They both motion their head for me to continue on letting myself be mezmorized by her actions. The way she contorts her body and moves her tounge brings to mind every torture and traumatic gesture that has ever been associated, in any way, with advert sexual overtones. She slides her body towards me in sections. Her head and torso lead her legs as if they are paralyzed, while her arms stretch to drag her carcass towards me. She leaves a trail of plasma and blood as she moves, marking everywhere she has ever been. When she gets closer to me, I can smell her rotting flesh over the perfume she was applying a few moments ago. When her body touches mine, my nerves turn cold. I can't feel what is happening. I already know. I already know this woman is using me in some way. I know she wants me to fill her insides with my flesh. I look at her face as her caked on foundation starts to flake away like sheets of skin. Her skin is a dark black underneath it all. She puts her hand on my arm to pull herself up and rests her chin on my knee. I hear a sharp crack and can feel her jaw snap when she lays the pressure on it. Shes uses the rest of her strength to stretch her spine up to come eye level with me. She lets her neck go limp and her head falls towards me with her jaw hanging open. Her maggot-like tounge fills my mouth. My head erupts in flames and I can feel my heart in my chest dissapating. I press my hand against her forehead and shove it away from me, smashing it against the wall. As her skull comes in contact with the sea blue stone, it shatters. Bone splinters shred through my hand and it instantly turns black. I grab a shard of bone and carve away at my forearm before it can spread into my body. I watch her body spasm to the floor and listen to her bones rattle as she gives into death.

The little girl walks over from the wall she was plastered to and leans toward the woman and her brother follows her. The clouds of breath stopped appearing from the womans mouth before the girl would let herself get closer. She kneels next to her and moves her fingers against her face. She finds a bone fragment protruding from the womans forehead. She pulls it and works it around the perimeter of the womans face, cutting and prying the skin from her body. Steam rises from the heat of the tissue as she removes the face and presses it against her face. She stares at me, smiles, and leans forward on the floor to pick up my hand right before she turns and skips away, whistling with her new lips. The infant slides across the floor and digs his way into the womans womb, staring at me blindly before he crawls inside and falls asleep.
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